What? I’ve been busy.
Busy busy busy bee, that’s me. Anyway, I’m published, once again. Free of the tyrannical bridle of SPS, my satirical nature has revealed itself to the world, and I’ve become a writer (and campus editor/photoshopper extraordinaire) for The Lemon Press, the University of York’s longest running, and basically only, satirical magazine.
You can read it here.
Below are some articles I wrote that didn’t get in.
SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCE SPACE PAEDO WATCHES OVER US ALL
An investigation is underway after regular satellite scans of the Moon have revealed a solitary old man living on it in decrepit conditions. Following a period of monitoring, the situation took a turn for the worst. A spokesperson from Jodrell Bank said: “We were shocked to learn that someone has provided the man with a very strong telescope, ostensibly as a Christmas present.
“Concerningly, this telescope allows the man to watch literally everyone on Earth, including the children. High powered scans of the interior of his hut have revealed pictures and drawings based off what the man saw.”
The Lemon Press was also provided pictures too graphic for publication, showing the man pleasuring himself to the images in his telescope in the low gravity conditions.
NEW THEME PARK FOR BRITAIN
Home Secretary Theresa May today announced the introduction of a massive new government scheme in partnership with American media giant Warner Bros. The scheme aims to turn the United Kingdom into a V for Vendetta theme park. The draconian state depicted in Alan Moore’s graphic novel and the 2006 feature film will be brought to life in the UK, starting with an increased surveillance state, the total annihilation of an independent press with anonymous sources, and a minimum spend on defence to guard the state against external forces. However, when contacted, Warner Bros. denied any suggestion of a relationship between Her Majesty’s government and themselves. Speaking from the newly titled Jordan Tower, May, now the new head of new government department ‘The Mouth’, explained the long term economic security of the nation was at threat, hence the necessity for the partnership. She concluded her message, saying: “STRENGTH THROUGH PURITY. PURITY THROUGH FAITH.”
TWITTER ANNOUNCES LATEST PROJECT
Social media giant Twitter today announced a campaign to replace the stars of the universe with massive beating hearts. The San Francisco company explained they would commence work on a trial run, starting with the Solar System’s Sun, with the project expected to enter beta by early 2025.
CORBYN SNUBS WAR DEAD
Jeremy Corbyn today was lambasted after loudly singing the National Anthem during the two minute silence on Remembrance Sunday. Eyewitnesses at the Cenotaph in Whitehall reported Corbyn burst into the tune just as Big Ben started striking 11, to the shock and dismay of the entire crowd. Labour HQ did not respond to request for comment, but Number 10 issued the following statement: “We’ve had enough. We’re taking the nuclear option out on that Islington bastard.”
SAUDI DEAL STRUCK
Philip Hammond announced today the successful impending release of Briton Karl Andree, imprisoned in Saudi Arabia on alcohol possession grounds. Riyadh is understood to have completed the deal in return for the latest British arms deal, one spearheaded by the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith. Senior Whitehall sources report that the DWP’s hugely successful “work capability assessment” program is to be exported to the Saudi Kingdom as a way for the regime to further cripple and drive into suicide those it already attacks and humiliates, such as all women. To sweeten the deal, the Cabinet is understood to also be releasing plans for a prototype 50% VAT charge on all female toiletries to the Saudis.
However, an anonymous letter sent to this paper’s Riyadh bureau suggests the Saudis may be getting the better half of the deal, saying, “that to be quite honest, we’re thankful. Our methods really are medieval, but the efficient torture programme of the English shows us up - being driven to suicide is just so much more effective than public flogging.”
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT HAMAS
Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, has received harsh rebuke after making claims against what he termed a ‘Palestinian led dairy deceit’. Netanyahu is understood to have made these remarks after discoveries by top Israeli scientists that popular margarine spread, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”, was in fact nothing more than a butter substitute, thought to have been orchestrated by alleged terror group, and what our friends at CCHQ order we call ‘close friends of Jeremy Corbyn’, Hamas. Today, Netanyahu declared that “we will not let this trickery go unforgiven”, as he commenced the latest mortar barrage against the Gaza Strip. As tension sparks in the region, Congress is understood to have sent a recovery shipment of 10,000 pounds of American salted butter to relieve the situation. The actual producers of the spread, Unilever, were unavailable for comment.
There’s also this high quality photoshop.